Missed Opportunities

As I sit here thinking about the future I cannot seem to not think about the past. Past mistakes. One that has been coming to mind is when the Hubs lost his job. Maybe its not a mistake but a lesson in learning to jump.

And what I mean by that is, should we have closed up shop in Illinois and tried to find greener pastures. I was still working at the time, I could have tried to move with the company. The girls were and still are portable. We could of just put the house on the market, and chosen somewhere else to go. Somewhere warmer maybe?!

California, Florida, Georgia. Anywhere. But we were to scared of failure. Failure I have done that already they took my house I could not provide a place for my children to live. I didn't know what I would feed them from day to day. If the heat or electric would be turned off. If the car would be taken.

What could of happened if we failed we move back to Illinois and move in with my Parents, did that not too fun, but it helped us to get to next step. I thank god for their generosity everyday even if the end result was not good for all parties.

The hubs may have found a job quicker than 3years later. Maybe I would have never quit the job because the new job was not killing me. Maybe we found new friends, new schools that fit us just right.

But these are what ifs....I cant live on what ifs. But as I type this I am thinking its never too late. We can start again. Take the jump!

Learning to let go.

My lesson for myself right now is to try to let go of things. Sometimes people or things hurt you, and by holding that grudge or what not it hurts you more. That being sad some people or things are harder to forgive. 
How does one forgive a douche-bag who punches you in the face, or the family that disregards that action? Or how do you forgive siblings when they do and take things from you that can never repair the relationship that is already rocky? 
With friends that were good friends but did something cross and you never bothered to speak to them about it? 
Children that misbehave and you forget that they are only children?
When in anger your husband say awe full things, that cannot be forgotten?

I am not sure when and if I ever get there, maybe for some but not all. I am not perfect, I am sure I have hurt others. Wait I know I have. And I hope those I have hurt can or have forgiven me. 

I am at this stage in my life I want lasting friendships and relationships with family members. I do not want all the drama that goes with it. I don't want to feel like I am the only one putting forth effort and get nothing in return. My high school days are over. I am not here to win the popularity contest(not that I would have won it h.s.). Friends should call each other, offer support, be willing to move heaven and earth for each other if they love having that person in their life. 

I have one lifetime friend leaving my life right now because she is moving away. It was hard to find the time between our very different schedules to see each other here. Now add distance to the equation, I can only hope and will do my damnedest to keep this friendship going. 

While she leaves, I have a new friend entering my life. And I feel so blessed to have her, because I know that we will be life friends. And its a shame we did not know each other in h.s. even though we went to h.s. together.  But sometimes things happen for reasons. 

As the quote above says"...destroy your heart" I do not need any of that poison in my life. I need cures of the heart. 

It's getting hard around here

Things have been said in the last two weeks that can never be taken back or forgotten. I can never forget that my parents believe that i am an idiot for marrying my husband or having children. Oh thanks so basically ur saying I don't like either. Or that everyone in my life hates me and really just talks to me just to be nice. Otherwise I don't have any friends and that my family hates me.

My husband is an asshole who could not provide for his family and that is why we r in this situation. He is ungrateful and it must b the reason his own family doesn't like him. My children are little assholes who r ungratefull and have no respect for anyone. Well maybe it's because when we displine them you come behind them and tell them the opposite.

I have cleaned in this house, we redid the kitchen, painted and other things and have not gotten a thank you but have gotten shit about how we r losers who do nothing but sleep and take and take. They must be confusing me with my sister.

Maybe The Lord send things to you

A few things happened this week that seems that maybe god was try or somebody is try to lead in me. First the lovely but sometimes cranky man I help care for who I have know for almost thirty years is slowly passing away. I though maybe he might like to say some this to his kids and others that he would like me to write down. I mentioned this to his daughter who I talk to at least two to three times a week.
Well last nite while visiting him he said he wanted to write some things down etc and she said that I was willing to help him and like the idea.  Things happen for reason sometime you put things into the universe and they get heard and they get answered.

Now the second thing is something I have wrestled for quite some time. I had a friend she did bad by me. I never really forgave her for it,but she has been seeking it from me the last couple of years. I have tried to find it in my heart. Unable to I have let it just slide to the back of my mind. Yesterday while drive my mother home from the doctors we were talking about her. I said I can forgive the action that she I'd it but the betrayal. And low and behold today she was calling me again asking for lunch. God says we should forgive, and I have heard this over and over recently at church.

So maybe I will have lunch with her, maybe I should follow the cosmic signs. Everything has reaction for every action. Should I look for the signs more often and start following them instead of ignoring them. It's something to ponder.

Holidays have come and are almost over

It's my 33rd birthday today and it was pretty uneventfull. I slept late, went to the mall by myself, and got some clothes, girls came home with a cake and went to dinner with Jeff and Amelia.

While at dinner we talked about the fact that Jeff's dumb ass family has chosen to not hold his dumbass cousin responsible for his actions. I know that is stupid of me to say that considering I did not go through with the charges but why should my life get dragged out in the public for months just to have it thrown out bc it was his first time.

But his family should be telling him he is a danger and he needs help and until he gets that help they do not want him around. But no he is around and we are not, tony and Renee are not. Laura is getting married this New Year's Eve and we are not going so we do not have to interact with  his sister or parents. He has been uninvited.

I am at a loss of what to say or what to do anymore. This has not made us fall apart but made tony and Renee grow apart. They are worried about the family breaking apart but they are the ones doing it.

Did not find a fist my face did not like....

Yeah its not so funny, but what else do I have to do but try and laugh.  I have had a pretty shitty month. With getting punched in the face by my husband lunatic cousin wasn't fun enough. Driving to Florida to look for houses/areas with my dad. Then just trying to go on with life it has not all worked in my favor.

I guess we should start from the beginning.  At a family function of my husbands we all tried to get his lunatic cousin to not drive to his dumb ass g.f.'s house drunk and beat the shit out of her. And in retrospect we should have, I guess if she allows this behavior it must be OK in her book. 

So I walked up to another cousin to state something to the fact that If he would have just told the jackass off four years ago he would never talk to him or his wife that way...but I don't think I finished the sentence as the lunatic punched smack straight in the face. I drop as any girl should when a 300+ pound man hits you in the face. I am sure I lost consciousness but who knows I was out. I remember hearing people screaming then getting up and blood pouring out of my face. I was to worried about my husband killing said lunatic to worry about my lovely new face.

J did get hit by jackass in the right eye and now has flashes of light randomly through out the day. So fun for the man who has bum ankle and bad back. He feels he should just be taken outside back and killed like an old dog.

No breaks in my nose, just a fun chip in my front teeth that make me look hillbilly.  But I have the ever lasting memory that will forever haunt me. I feel like I am Katniss Everdeen in my own personal hell of the hunger games. Going over what happened, trying to replay it with different situations, but it all does not matter it was never in my favor.

We had court the other day and I asked for the case to be dismissed, not wanting to live through the horror anymore than I have to. I was shaking in court sick to my stomach and to find out the asshole never even showed. Makes me regret not pressing charges.

The lesson learned if a douchbag wants to kill himself let him not worth having a lifetime of bad memories.

It.takes a village bullshit....

Well the saying goes it takes a village to raise a family, well this family is tired of.being told:
How I'm doing it wrong
When and how to feed my kids
How to get them ready for bed
How bad they r(the worst they have seen)
That my husband is lazy (has a bad sprain & can't stand)
The electric bill is too high
How I don't clean the 10 or more coffee cups they use. Day.

I can really go on forever but don't feel like it anymore would rather drown myself.in my tub