Momentum Lost

As I sit here today with no job, no inspiration, and no hope I wonder when it all started. Was it the day I gave up going back to work for the art gallery, was it the day I sold my soul to the devil called the nursing home or the day I felt like my life was out of control.
When I graduated College I felt like I could do anything. I found a job I enjoyed and was living a great life. Then I found out I was pregnant. Yes I was happy, but afraid of how much it was going to change our lives. I had never seen myself as the mothering type. Never really wanted to have children. So here I am going through this horrible pregnancy, and working, driving 30miles a day. And wishing and hoping that I could still work and raise this baby. After having my daughter, I gave up the job. And every now and then I think that was a big mistake. I could still be living my dream.

Fast forward to working for the devil. And I mean devil, I feel like I sold my soul to the devil for this job. Everyday was horrible. I had to drop my 1 1/2 yr old and 4 m old daughters off at my parents house, and realized that I was going to miss so much.

I had to deal with so many different personalities at HELL, that I began to feel numb. I started closing myself off, but putting up a skin of happiness to the world. I was dying inside. Month by month I felt me slipping away. I was accused of sleeping with one of the residents, having an affair with the maintenance man, having a bad attitude.

I then got used. Hey Nicole is young and dumb lets make her do several jobs, receptionist, adm assistant, scheduler, admissions. All with out the thought of her life. Yes I did but it was because I felt I had to. Then I was told to apply for the job ad co. Man was that a bad idea. I should have taken myself out of it, when the offered it to someone else. You should never take a job that you know when u were not the first choice. You will always have that in your mind. I always felt like an idiot, not knowing what I was doing.

Then I was told I was an idiot and had no idea what i was doing. And that everything I did had to be reviewed by others. What was the point of me being there, u just do the job. Then I had to start working at another building. Oh I started to think maybe I am good at this. I lied to myself. I was not good at the job, I just faked it.

It finally came to the point where I hated my job, husband, and kids. So I made the decision to leave. It felt so uplifting to make the choice. I felt the weight of it all release that day.

You would think that I would be able to get some momentum but no I have stalled. Hit a wall. I am sure if I could go to the Doctor they would diagnose me with depression, post traumatic stress disorder. Because I always feel like i cannot do anything correct now. So I just don't.

And I need to get out of this.

Thing about High School Reunions

Is that they are always disappointing. One because u are hoping to see people that you really liked and they are not their. Second its still the same damn clicks. Really 12 1/2 years later we cant be open to talking to each other like adults.

But then again I did get to talk to people who I do not remember talking to but they remembered me. I fell like it was some better connections with these people then the ones I did remember talking to. Which makes me think about how I was in high school, and it seems my view was not the view of others. So how we view those memories are subjective to each individuals memory.