Missed Opportunities

As I sit here thinking about the future I cannot seem to not think about the past. Past mistakes. One that has been coming to mind is when the Hubs lost his job. Maybe its not a mistake but a lesson in learning to jump.

And what I mean by that is, should we have closed up shop in Illinois and tried to find greener pastures. I was still working at the time, I could have tried to move with the company. The girls were and still are portable. We could of just put the house on the market, and chosen somewhere else to go. Somewhere warmer maybe?!

California, Florida, Georgia. Anywhere. But we were to scared of failure. Failure I have done that already they took my house I could not provide a place for my children to live. I didn't know what I would feed them from day to day. If the heat or electric would be turned off. If the car would be taken.

What could of happened if we failed we move back to Illinois and move in with my Parents, did that not too fun, but it helped us to get to next step. I thank god for their generosity everyday even if the end result was not good for all parties.

The hubs may have found a job quicker than 3years later. Maybe I would have never quit the job because the new job was not killing me. Maybe we found new friends, new schools that fit us just right.

But these are what ifs....I cant live on what ifs. But as I type this I am thinking its never too late. We can start again. Take the jump!

Learning to let go.

My lesson for myself right now is to try to let go of things. Sometimes people or things hurt you, and by holding that grudge or what not it hurts you more. That being sad some people or things are harder to forgive. 
How does one forgive a douche-bag who punches you in the face, or the family that disregards that action? Or how do you forgive siblings when they do and take things from you that can never repair the relationship that is already rocky? 
With friends that were good friends but did something cross and you never bothered to speak to them about it? 
Children that misbehave and you forget that they are only children?
When in anger your husband say awe full things, that cannot be forgotten?

I am not sure when and if I ever get there, maybe for some but not all. I am not perfect, I am sure I have hurt others. Wait I know I have. And I hope those I have hurt can or have forgiven me. 

I am at this stage in my life I want lasting friendships and relationships with family members. I do not want all the drama that goes with it. I don't want to feel like I am the only one putting forth effort and get nothing in return. My high school days are over. I am not here to win the popularity contest(not that I would have won it h.s.). Friends should call each other, offer support, be willing to move heaven and earth for each other if they love having that person in their life. 

I have one lifetime friend leaving my life right now because she is moving away. It was hard to find the time between our very different schedules to see each other here. Now add distance to the equation, I can only hope and will do my damnedest to keep this friendship going. 

While she leaves, I have a new friend entering my life. And I feel so blessed to have her, because I know that we will be life friends. And its a shame we did not know each other in h.s. even though we went to h.s. together.  But sometimes things happen for reasons. 

As the quote above says"...destroy your heart" I do not need any of that poison in my life. I need cures of the heart. 

It's getting hard around here

Things have been said in the last two weeks that can never be taken back or forgotten. I can never forget that my parents believe that i am an idiot for marrying my husband or having children. Oh thanks so basically ur saying I don't like either. Or that everyone in my life hates me and really just talks to me just to be nice. Otherwise I don't have any friends and that my family hates me.

My husband is an asshole who could not provide for his family and that is why we r in this situation. He is ungrateful and it must b the reason his own family doesn't like him. My children are little assholes who r ungratefull and have no respect for anyone. Well maybe it's because when we displine them you come behind them and tell them the opposite.

I have cleaned in this house, we redid the kitchen, painted and other things and have not gotten a thank you but have gotten shit about how we r losers who do nothing but sleep and take and take. They must be confusing me with my sister.

Maybe The Lord send things to you

A few things happened this week that seems that maybe god was try or somebody is try to lead in me. First the lovely but sometimes cranky man I help care for who I have know for almost thirty years is slowly passing away. I though maybe he might like to say some this to his kids and others that he would like me to write down. I mentioned this to his daughter who I talk to at least two to three times a week.
Well last nite while visiting him he said he wanted to write some things down etc and she said that I was willing to help him and like the idea.  Things happen for reason sometime you put things into the universe and they get heard and they get answered.

Now the second thing is something I have wrestled for quite some time. I had a friend she did bad by me. I never really forgave her for it,but she has been seeking it from me the last couple of years. I have tried to find it in my heart. Unable to I have let it just slide to the back of my mind. Yesterday while drive my mother home from the doctors we were talking about her. I said I can forgive the action that she I'd it but the betrayal. And low and behold today she was calling me again asking for lunch. God says we should forgive, and I have heard this over and over recently at church.

So maybe I will have lunch with her, maybe I should follow the cosmic signs. Everything has reaction for every action. Should I look for the signs more often and start following them instead of ignoring them. It's something to ponder.

Holidays have come and are almost over

It's my 33rd birthday today and it was pretty uneventfull. I slept late, went to the mall by myself, and got some clothes, girls came home with a cake and went to dinner with Jeff and Amelia.

While at dinner we talked about the fact that Jeff's dumb ass family has chosen to not hold his dumbass cousin responsible for his actions. I know that is stupid of me to say that considering I did not go through with the charges but why should my life get dragged out in the public for months just to have it thrown out bc it was his first time.

But his family should be telling him he is a danger and he needs help and until he gets that help they do not want him around. But no he is around and we are not, tony and Renee are not. Laura is getting married this New Year's Eve and we are not going so we do not have to interact with  his sister or parents. He has been uninvited.

I am at a loss of what to say or what to do anymore. This has not made us fall apart but made tony and Renee grow apart. They are worried about the family breaking apart but they are the ones doing it.

Did not find a fist my face did not like....

Yeah its not so funny, but what else do I have to do but try and laugh.  I have had a pretty shitty month. With getting punched in the face by my husband lunatic cousin wasn't fun enough. Driving to Florida to look for houses/areas with my dad. Then just trying to go on with life it has not all worked in my favor.

I guess we should start from the beginning.  At a family function of my husbands we all tried to get his lunatic cousin to not drive to his dumb ass g.f.'s house drunk and beat the shit out of her. And in retrospect we should have, I guess if she allows this behavior it must be OK in her book. 

So I walked up to another cousin to state something to the fact that If he would have just told the jackass off four years ago he would never talk to him or his wife that way...but I don't think I finished the sentence as the lunatic punched smack straight in the face. I drop as any girl should when a 300+ pound man hits you in the face. I am sure I lost consciousness but who knows I was out. I remember hearing people screaming then getting up and blood pouring out of my face. I was to worried about my husband killing said lunatic to worry about my lovely new face.

J did get hit by jackass in the right eye and now has flashes of light randomly through out the day. So fun for the man who has bum ankle and bad back. He feels he should just be taken outside back and killed like an old dog.

No breaks in my nose, just a fun chip in my front teeth that make me look hillbilly.  But I have the ever lasting memory that will forever haunt me. I feel like I am Katniss Everdeen in my own personal hell of the hunger games. Going over what happened, trying to replay it with different situations, but it all does not matter it was never in my favor.

We had court the other day and I asked for the case to be dismissed, not wanting to live through the horror anymore than I have to. I was shaking in court sick to my stomach and to find out the asshole never even showed. Makes me regret not pressing charges.

The lesson learned if a douchbag wants to kill himself let him not worth having a lifetime of bad memories.

It.takes a village bullshit....

Well the saying goes it takes a village to raise a family, well this family is tired of.being told:
How I'm doing it wrong
When and how to feed my kids
How to get them ready for bed
How bad they r(the worst they have seen)
That my husband is lazy (has a bad sprain & can't stand)
The electric bill is too high
How I don't clean the 10 or more coffee cups they use. Day.

I can really go on forever but don't feel like it anymore would rather drown myself.in my tub

Is it midway thru summer yet?!?

Wow! Whatelse can I say....these kids r driving me nuts. The other day we had no electricity from 1am -2pm and they were great, no fighting playing nice with each other the minute the electric came back on they started to fight. I wanted to cut the power to the house just to get them to stop fighting.

I have been losing it a little more quickly probably from the:
 "Mom! Mom! Mom!"
"What?!"
"Um, Um I wanted 2 ask u a question?"
"Ok, what is it?"
"I forgot"

Really maybe its the 10x you called me Mom and I answered you on the 2nd time when u forgot what you wanted to ask or maybe u never had a question but just wanted me to stop reading, cooking, doing laundry or whatever chore I was doing at the moment.

The girls fight about anything from who's going to shower first to who gets to sit next to me. I am sure this is the same or similar for everyone else but where is the mute or pause button.  I would  just need like 10 mins to decompress from it all.

It has also been extra nice not having my rents here, since they are on vacation. Its quitier in the house. My father usually has the TV on 50 even when hes not watching it.  And you know when he wants to really watch something the girls start to bother him and then he yells at them.

Then my mom will come home and start complaining about this or that, not in the house 5 min and already has a list of things that I did not do that day for her. Well I cannot magically read her mind and do the things on her list if she does not tell me.

I know this is all too stupid to be complaining I am alive and kicking, considering the horrible incident in Colorodo but sometimes you just need to get things out.

Severe Back Pain Blows

Well I live in this constent state of pain from either my back or my migraines. ITs great to be me.  On Saturday at a Birthday party my back decided to take a crap and I mean crap. I am now walking in a S formation, my upper back and head lean to the right while my lower back and hip shift to the left. Its pretty cool(NOT).

Well I went to bed that nite woke up and the pain was not there so I figure I was good to go. I was sadly mistaken, I was  back in pain that night screaming in agony. I would rather have kids again then have that pain. So Monday we go to the ER. Only to sit for four hours and to be told it is my sciatica. BULLSHIT! In this much pain, that I would go to the ER, where I never want to go bc I am always told some kinda BULLSHIT! Like my migraines are just in my head etc....

So now I am trying to get into see an Ortho doctor and I need a referral, and my PCP wont call me back so I switched to a new doctor and have an appt on July 5th. By that time I will either not have the pain or it will be right back to were it was. I am hoping it will b either just as bad or worse. I was only given pills for 5 days and they are not really working so I have to take them sparingly just to make it thru. 

Why is this my life, I cannot catch a break. As for JB he had his 3 hr appt with the Workers Comp doctor yesterday. Hopefully that gets approved and we get 9 months of back pay. We can pay down some bills and move on with our horrible life. I need to find him a new job. This FED EX crap sucks, well the being a hired freelancer sucks. No benifits, he has to load his truck and not get paid for it and having Sun and Mon off kinda blows, bc the rest of the world works on Mon.

We need to move our crap from Midlo and are getting no help from my rents but hey why would I expect their help I am not the precious child.  but that is another story.

How time flies.....and then u cant remember what happened.

I know I know, its been a long time since I posted, hey life gets you. With having moved into my rents house, having a kid drop out of preschool, husband finally find a job, and summer break starting a lot has happened.

On the home front, we have not finished moving the house in Midlo, but have started taking crap to a storage unit. Its a long process and with JB only off Sun and Mon it makes it a lil harder. Cant have the my dad watch the girls on Mon bc its too hard for him. So we have to try and do it on Sundays, but it was fathers day and who wants to spend all that time moving.

Also just a thought on June 17th that would have been Amelia's birthday if she had decided or I decided to keep her in my tummy. But who knows she could have been 10lbs by then.  Since her days of dropping out, she has since decided she wants to return to school for Kindergarten.  When it was time for Elizabeth's last days she realize that she would not graduate with her friends and that she would not be able to go to KG, I reassured her that is not the case, but it gave the kick in the ass that she missed school. So that is good thing. We also got a uniform from JB's cousin, bc they have taken their kids out of the school.

And I completely understand why, but I am going to at least get Amelia thru KG and then decide after that. I am hoping that maybe dumb ass principle has figured it out why people are leaving. But I am going to make a strong effort to call the Archdioce and Public Health this year. It was just a horrible epidemic of health concerns last year, and I learned all to late about them. Because trust me I know what exactly to say to Public Health to get them to go in rapidly.

On JB getting a job its awesome, but at the same time sucky, no benifits, long hours and only gets paid to deliver the packages not load them on the truck. But its nice having some income.

I also just had to make a birthday hat for JBs cousins kid for his 1st birthday. I hope they like it. It is my biggest fear and reason I do not sell my crap, who is going to like it.

Thats really all I have right now, but I am sure something stupid or crazy will happen soon, so I will get back to you on that.

I got TaGgEd!

A fellow blogger and friend Holly tagged me, so it is my turn to answer some questions. :)

There are some rules:

1. Post these rules
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions set for you in the post you were tagged in
4. Create 11 new questions for your tagees to answer
5. Tag them on Twitter, Facebook or your blog

My 11 random things.

1. Applying for jobs suck! I do at least 3 a day and spend at least 2 hrs doing and get no calls backs in return.

2. I love mint chocolate chip ice cream, but only the green kind. (Well stole this but its the same for me)

3. My family and I had to move in w my Rents in Dec and its not going smoothly to say the least.

4. My girls are so opposite, I have a hard time following them.

5. I'm tired of wearing my rags but why wear the nice clothes to sit in the house.

6. I hate grocery shopping with the kids.(ditto)

7. I want to learn how to sew professionally!

8. I am trying my best to come to terms that so far my life has  not gone the way I wanted it too.

9. I enjoy painting and decorating way more than I should.

10. I am in constant worry that Amelia is having the thing she is going thru bc I went to work when she was 4 m old and now she is showing her emotional baggage from that.

11. I love my husband and Kids more than they can ever fully understand and I am so truely sorry we ended up where we are now due to my selfishness. 

My 11 Questions

1. Favortie body part?

 I dont really have one anymore, but it use to be my shoulders, now they are fat.

2. What was the best meal you ever had?

Filet Mignon at The Keg in Niagria Falls. My mouth is watering right now.

3. Coffee or tea?
 Coffee, yes I know Im english and should like tea but I hate it.

4. Favorite dessert?

  Tiramisu

5. Biggest regret in life?

 So far these last three years...can you have multi regrets?

6. What was the last wedding you went to?

 The Schaub Wedding in July 2009. We rearly have weddings to go to, since we have no friends. But we have one coming up on NY EVE 2012/13.

7. What is your favorite book?

At the moment The Girls from Ames.

8. When was the last time you got your hair done? What did you do to it?

April 2010, its been long over do. I have cut it myself a lil but nothing special. I got this bad ass style that is growing out horribly.

9. If you own any animal, what would it be?

I really dont want more animals after the two I have go. Just too much work with the kids.

10. What movie do you identify most with?

Titanic, bc I hit the ice berg and am holding on to the door for my life.

11. What do you like to do for yourself?

I like to shop for a complete outfit, but never get it bc want my vision is, never is out in the stores for three years and by then I am over it.

Now my questions for you.....

1. If your not doing your dream job what would it be?
2. Would you relive high school again?
3. Would you change your kids names or your name?
4. If you could change anything about your husband what would it be if no husband how bout yourself?
5. What is your guilty pleasure?
6. What is the purpose of life?
7. What do you wish people knew about you that they don't?
8. Now that you are older do you look back and see things differently?
9. What advise would you give to you at 16?
10. What is your favorite vacation memory?
11. Are you happy with everything in your life?

I tag

Holly

Tracy

Sandy

Living With your Rents....So AwEsOmE!!!!!

So its been about two months since I moved in with my parents. I know join the millions who have already done so. I thank them and love them for their generosity but at the same time they are driving me fucking insane. And they know this....so if u either of u read this don't be mad.

The girls are fine they have their room which I am still in since we do not have our bed over here yet from the ever declining Midlothian. I read the other day the median house price from 2010 to 2011. Midl was 135,000 to now 99,000. No fucking duh, its a total dump now. U can find at least 10 house in a two block radius of mine for foreclosure. Good job banks, bc guess what no one is knocking on the door asking to buy these houses.  But I digress.....

We only have two tv's in the house, which leads me to either watch old people crap or kid crap. Oh the joys.  During the day since I'm not gainfully employed and told about that everyday I have to choose btw Soccer or Bubble Guppies. I chose the later. I try to go on that new invention called the Internet, but I find it boring and takes forever to find things that I want to learn about.

I have been reading some books on my phone, I have so far read: Bitter is the new Black.....by Jen Lancaster, True Compass by Ted Kennedy, Two Agatha Christie novels, and some other crap that I cant even remember now. I have yet to pick up my copy of The Help my husband pinched and saved to buy me for my birthday, since I watched the movie I am finding it hard to read. Maybe in two years I can read it.

I look for self help books to get me out of this funk I like to call bullshit cosmic joke. But yeah its a nice place to live. Laugh off all my problems, hope for the best, apply for ten thousand jobs and get NO call backs.  I have been getting together with gurlfriends once a month, but that only seems to get me in a deeper funk, bc I do not want to purden them with my crap since guess what we all have crap.  I don't want to get  in a pissing contest to see who;s life is shittier.

Amelia has since stopped going to school which is so much fun. She says she hates school and they make fun of her, etc. We have taken her to see a child psych bc at this point she has been like this since August, and its exhausting. She thinks its separation anxiety, I think its that and social anxiety and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. But hey all I am is a stupid ass who cannot find a job so what do I know.  We are going back in a week, to let her know the chore chart, the not fighting with her, not pressuring her to go to school, reading the books about not being scared is not working. Bc guess what we have been doing this since Aug.

I have also applied for ten thousand other jobs for Bonezilla in his field and not his field, with no such luck. We are willing to move the fuck out of Illinois to be valid human beings in the world. I just applied for a job for him in Milwaukee, its what he did, can we please get a call back, we will figure it out. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Karma please come our way, bc we have helped others get jobs and it has never been returned for either of us.

I guess this is a pretty long blog. So lets stop here and see what awaits me in the next.

The American Dream

The American Dream does it even exsist anymore? Alot of people have been asking that lately. With the economy sucking, the political parties at each other throats and what not. But do I believe anymore....

Im finding that harder and hard to find lately. I am in the midst of a foreclosure. Moved back into my parents with my children and husband. Neither my husband or I can find a job. And it just seems like it keeps getting worse.

Last year I applied for at least 100 jobs and I only had two interviews. I did have an interview on 2nd of the new year. Oh it went well, so well he was like this job is totally yours, I just want to interview the others for fun. No call, no email. Nothing. Why lead me on, just state I have four others to interview and I will contact the best one, b.s. Don't lead me on. Shit I have no hope.

The HOPE is gone. I cant even remember what it looked like. I think I had dreams of doing this and that, but I can't remember. My dream the great American DREAM, what is that?!?

My father came here from England 40yrs ago to find that dream. He may have not become Steve Jobs, but he did better than his parents. My mother came here when she was 5 yrs old from Puerto Rico, she did better than her parents. And all I have to show for it, is that I am living with them.

How do I tell or teach my children to believe in something I cant even believe in. Its a whole other world out there. People are unemployed, protesting, stealing, killing. Losing their minds and money to just have it taken from them.

I know I should not complain, I am better off than some, but hey each person has the right...to believe in something.

In the year 2012

In the year 2012 I would like to accomplish the following things.....

1. Find the inner strength to not be afraid to try my hand at my crafts. BC really if I fail at least I could say I tried.

2. Make sure my lil family transistions as well as anyone does from losing the only house they have lived in. To having to move in with their grandparents.

3. To work at my marriage, this has been a very trying past year for us. We have never once said lets end it then, but we have gotten so frustrated with each other I am afraid it might start coming down to saying it just to hurt each other.

4. This should probably be no. 1 but, it cannot be, I tried that once and I was miserable. Find a job that affords me the ability to still have time with my family.

5. Be a better friend. I think I suck at it really bad. I need to start calling, hanging out with friends more often. I just don't do it bc I feel like such a pathetic loser and do not want to burden them with my shit.

6. Live life geninunly. I take for granted alot of the moments that are great, and turn them into shit. I have to learn to be happy and not so miserable all the time.

7. To learn the secret.

8. To use my blog more often to get things off my chest and mind. I bottle things up so often that it explodes. And it never feels better afterwards.

So as of right now I am going to start working on these things. I hope to keep to them.

this sux

well we have started the move...we have the kids clothes and dresser here. I have cried at every moment. and my father is already driving me insane.

this sux

well we have started the move...we have the kids clothes and dresser here. I have cried at every moment. and my father is already driving me insane.

now I am just crying

and I cannot stop, jeff is on the phone w his cousin. how fucking pathetic am I. I cant keep a job, I cant pay for shit, I cant b happy for others. I might as well droo of a cliff.

upset and mad

im upset and mad bc a really stupid thing. im not jealous but mad at the world. jeffs cousin has gotten every job he has ever had via a friend, he even got two thru jeff. well he gets this job gets a raise, now he and his wife are looking for a house. we cant keep ours, we cant find a job, we cant pay for a thing for xmas. im just feel like why not us why can we not have some good thing happen to us. no it doesnt work that way. we get a broken windshield, need new tires, have to move in w my,parents. im trying to stay positive so to not make this holiday season a gloomy one.

feeling shitty

well thats to say the least. I am having a case of sorries for myself. its pathetic I know but I think its something that everyone goes thru. my life is turning out to b not what I wanted. I wanted to b smart and strong. not be part of the "99%" not that I wanted to b the 1%. I mean bitch and moan. I am finding it very hard to find the motivation to keep fighting for what.
we will b moving in w my rents soon, something I do not want to do,but must to stay alive. 6 people in that house is going to tough, I am asking that they must give up on their lifes and deal w our crap. its not fair to them. I know they r looking forward to seeing the girls everyday but how do u put household together. someone has to give up a memory.
my girls but were brought home to this house, the learned to walk crawk etc here. now I have to give it to the bank so they can let it go to ruins. how does that work. whatever.
I try to stay positive but its getting harder.

Trying to stay positive but

its not workimg anymore. workers comp denied again. I am so devastated. I really dont have words for how I feel.

I kinda just feel like giving up, why bother really, I have no reason for all this fighting, its the big bad gvmt. u cant win a war that only has u as the enemy.