What to do next

As I sit here another nite with my insomnia, I wonder what am i suppose to do with my life. I am lost, and I am on this long road that does not seem to end. My lovely husband still is unable to work, as his pain in his back has not subsided, but has seemed to get worse and even now spread to his neck. W.C. denied the claim now we r fighting that, which it could take 90 days.

I have contacted the mortgage company and basically we will probably lose the house. Great what a failure that I am. I cant even manage to get a job, that will just help out. I have applied and applied with no avail. WTF, this is shit.

I dont want to feel sorry for myself or my family, but at this point i have no way of seeing the light. I keep going over the past, and trying to replay it to see if the outcome will be any different. Then I stop and beat myself up for doing that. What does it accomplish? Nothing at all.

Do I have to make amends with my past to get over this bad luck streak we r having? Do I need to pray to a different god? My parents are helping the best they can, but I feel like I am a burden on them at 31 years old.  My mom told me that if we are both working (Jeff and I) that she will retire. Until then we r holding her up. She did not say it so rudely, but she is tired of going to work downtown, and coming back. She wants to spend time with her husband and see the grdkids more often.

Am i being to hard on myself, I dont know. I have always felt kinda lost. Not really feeling like i fit in anywhere. Was always unsure of myself, not sure if my friends liked me. I still put a mask on around people, to make sure that I am not my sullen self. I would rather stay at home with my husband and kids, then try to be social. I dont have a lot of friends, and the ones i do have I am not in "REAL" contact with, just FB contact.

I sometimes feel like I have may have painted myself in a corner, and have no way to get out. And it is comfortable there. I want to do something with my life, so that my girls have a role model. I sit around trying to think of things.

i want to sew, but my own self doubt gets in the way. I want to set up an etsy shop, and make money to help us live. I want to b successfull, I want, I want, I want. Maybe that is the problem. I want.

Before I end this I want to post a poem that is by

 Robert Frost
 "The Road Not Taken".

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


 I also want to qoute a part in Craig Ferguson's bio.

"That fear might be God's way of saying
 'Pay attention this could be fun"

Baby gifts and what else can go wrong....

Well lets start this post in order of incidents:
1 Jeff hurts his back at work
2. Amelia has a high fever and we take her to hospital
3. Jeff cannot work our doctor gave in incapacitated orders
4. Girls graduate from Preschool
5. Elizabeth fractures her ankle at a party
6. We get MRI on Jeffs back - herniated disks
7. Appt with Neurosurgeon in 3 wks
8. Worker Comp is dening claims, so no Pay
9. Neuro surgeon says no surgery buy PT 3x a week for a month,
10 Still no approval from W.C.
11 Jeffs cousin has baby way early at 31wks.

Not sure it could get any crazier that this. But I am unable to find a job, he cant work. Bills are not getting paid. And all in this I have been tryin to be crafty.

I have made a diaper bag, that Jeff now does not like...so what should I do. I still have not finished it because we are in a battle over the handles.

Started on some burp clothes that I got the idea from Holly in which she go it from;
http://homemadebyjill.blogspot.com/2008/01/burp-cloth-tutorial.html

Also some baby fleece blankets.  I will have pic of these as soon as my phone stops Sync after 2 hrs. Really i do not want the pic of CNN logo on my cpu.

Thank you...Spring is....

Well with the preview of spring yesterday, or maybe it was Summer, many of us were outside enjoying life. No not me, I was inside sleeping in pain.

Awhile ago I hurt my neck while i sneezed. Went to the Dr. found out that my neck does not curve the correct way and its one step away from needing surgery. Yeah I ll have the surgery when my kids are 40 and I have the time. So about a week and half the neck pain is gone but here comes my monthly back pain.

I get this severe I mean severe back pain about three weeks before my period. I cant walk standing straight, I cant sleep, shower, bathe, nothing. So now the Dr. tells me it seems that my Sacrum Joint moved to the left and it is causing all this pain. WTF.

I am only 31y.o. how is this possible. I feel like I need to be put in a nursing home, preferably not ManorCare. HAHA.  I just want to be able to function. So here goes to the research of the internet for possible causes etc.

But on the bright side the Dr did tell me that I might be getting the migraines from the curve in my neck, so hopefully that lesses the amount that i get every month from 6-10 to 3-5. Well a girl can hope.

Neck problems

So on Sunday I had sneezed in the morining and it somehow messed up my neck and left side of my arm. I am in so much pain still it is unreal. So on Tuesday I decided to go see a chiropractor, knowing that my physician was going to do nothing for me.

So I get x-rays and what not done. As for the results man are they fun. I am Winning just like Charlie Sheen. Your neck is suppose to curve like a backwards C but mine is just going the other way. I have bone spurs growing on them and they are not moving. Your neck has 7 bones and only one of mine is moving.

My muscles in my neck have been doing all the work. So if they give out I will basically be a bobble head. AWESOME! 

I am just kinda in shock. WTF, I just wanted to go in get adjusted and move on. But no 3x a week for three months to see if it will fix the problem, if not then I may need surgury. Who wants that. And who can have that when u have lil kids. So that is where I am at at the moment.  Just got to think little and deal with the little things,.

Snow Days

Well the Blizzard of 2011 came and went. For all of those who said "Yeah right, we won't get that much snow" Nanna Boo Boo Stick your head in Doo Doo. We sure got it. It was kinda exciting to watch it all happen. I mean I can't remember watch the storm of 1999. I will remember this one because of my two gorgeous potty mouthed kids.

When Amelia woke up on Wed morning and looked out the window she said "Holy Shit, that's a lot of snow, can we go play in it?"  What do u do with that. It's exactly what ur thing, we just laughed and rolled with it.

So we headed outside and played and shoveled and what not. The girls were so happy. Well Elizabeth was not so much bc her snow pants hurt her cha cha. Well she is too big for her 6X snow pants, but I have not been able to find any that fit her.

Now we have school again tomorrow. So i had to make Elizabeth's 100 day of school T-shirt. It is suppose to have 100 things on it . I am not sure I made the cut, but heck it was the best I could do.

Cleaning, Cleaning and Cleaning!!!!

I decided or got a lil motivated by others to clean today. The girls were home sick today and thought that if they were doing something to get their blood moving that maybe just maybe it would help get their fevers to break finally. Well I did most of the cleaning. Not a big deal, but it allowed me to get rid of alot of their toys they no longer play with. But it also brought up all of these memories of them being babies.

I have had a hard time getting rid of their baby toys. I keep certain outfits but either gave their clothes away or donated them w/o heart strings being pulled. But for some reason I have not been able to get rid of their toys.  I think it is because I am worried that we will end up having another kid. I know I don't want another or at least that is what I think. I still have all the car seats, strollers, two cribs, toys, etc. Its taking over everything.

I have tons of stuff in our bedroom that is theirs, and its just sitting there collecting dust. I want a sanctuary in my room, where I can relax and read a book, fall asleep easily, enjoy some time w the hubby. \\\

Getting Crafty!

I have had this urge to be crafty. I am one who wants to be crafty but what I usually want to make never turns out. It all started with my X-mas Wreath, it came out pretty good. Now I have tried my hand at a V-day wreath and I think it came out spectacular.

I have also started making the girls V-day treat bags. I am still in the process of what I like so it is still in the think tank process. But as far as everything is going I think it is turning out pretty good.

Christmas Wreath

Valentine's Day Wreath

V-day Cards for treat bags.

Maybe I can make a lil side business. who know. I just want to figure out what the Circuit thing is. A couple of my friends have it. But it seems so expensive.