feeling shitty

well thats to say the least. I am having a case of sorries for myself. its pathetic I know but I think its something that everyone goes thru. my life is turning out to b not what I wanted. I wanted to b smart and strong. not be part of the "99%" not that I wanted to b the 1%. I mean bitch and moan. I am finding it very hard to find the motivation to keep fighting for what.
we will b moving in w my rents soon, something I do not want to do,but must to stay alive. 6 people in that house is going to tough, I am asking that they must give up on their lifes and deal w our crap. its not fair to them. I know they r looking forward to seeing the girls everyday but how do u put household together. someone has to give up a memory.
my girls but were brought home to this house, the learned to walk crawk etc here. now I have to give it to the bank so they can let it go to ruins. how does that work. whatever.
I try to stay positive but its getting harder.

Trying to stay positive but

its not workimg anymore. workers comp denied again. I am so devastated. I really dont have words for how I feel.

I kinda just feel like giving up, why bother really, I have no reason for all this fighting, its the big bad gvmt. u cant win a war that only has u as the enemy.

Bullshit that is known as unorganization

Well today Elizabeth and Amelia begged to have grandpa pick them up from school. So we obliged them. One less trip for us today. Well that was a bad idea, or maybe it was not.

Elizabeth got home crying that she had girl scouts today. Well I never recvd a note home, but low and behold it was in her folder. Stating that it was today after school. Well guess what we are not at school. What kinda crap is that.

So I call the Girl Scout leader of the school and she calls me back and says that the notes should have gone home yesterday. and there is only one other girl in KG that is in GS. Well it does not matter bc that girl stays for aftercare, so she will go to the meeting.

Now the problem is my little girl is so upset, she is crying and telling me that I broke a promise to her. And that I am a lie. And that she does not want me near her. This breaks my heart. BC I did promise her G.S. Yes I know she will have a meeting next month, but this was the first meet. Its really not hard to get this shit out maybe three days earlier. What am I talking about, she just got the stuff last Thursday to sell magazines, and the money has to be in by the 24th. Luckily she got two magazines bought from family.

I just feel so bad for her. This is something that we deal with all the time. The school has no organization. Its ppwk on top of ppwrk always grammatically wrong, times and dates wrong. Its enough to make me what to send them to my shitty public schools in Midlothian.

Trying to find the inspiration per say

I am having a hard time finding the inspiration or guts to start and Etsy page. I am so damn afraid, basically bc why would anyone want to buy my items. OR for that fact of the matter how do I price it so that people will BUY it.

I have a couple of wreaths that I have completed and have looked at others on Etsy, and I do not think I am over pricing but what the heck why would anyone want my stuff.

We have been both been working on things together. Jeff is very good at jewelry design. It all started was when he got laid off and had the girls for the summer, so he took them to the craft store and got some beads to make necklaces.

I am working on sewing, I am currently in the process of several projects.
1. Sports quilt  for my cousin in FL
2. Amelia's Rapunzel Costume ( she told me the other day she wants to be a vampire instead. Not going to happen)
3. Retro fit my Snow White costume from 1987 for Elizabeth. And just for the bragging of it. My mom made that costume for me and I won the costume contest that year.

Here are some pics of my wreaths that I have recently completed.

Working long and lifting heavy

Well for a couple weeks I have been helping my SIS company deliver films to the theaters. Let me tell u its not easy. We get up to somewhere near gurnee to p u the films about noon. Have to load them on truck or van depending on amt of films delivered. Then en route to gurnee fox lake Skokie niles glenview norridge galewood 600 n Michigan lawndale cicero oak park lagrange Ford city. We end the nite bout 12 am.
And let me tell u some of the movies r heavy. Especially harry potter I'm glad he's deadish. We also pu movies. The other nite I p u 17 from one theater. Well really 21 bc transformer is a box a canister and super 8 is two canisters.
This week we had to got michiwauka Indiana... For those who have no idea where that is at near notre dame univ.  We for home around 3 am.
I like to work but the girls don't want me to work bc they say I'm not mommy then. It breaks my heart to hear that. It was really the main reason I quit that horrible job, I gave and gave and all I got was shit on. It was not worth it, to have my girls b upset.
That it right now.

Another nite of insomnia

Well as the title implies, I cannot sleep. It happens about once a week, sometimes it is accompanied by migraines other times it is just my worries that lead to migraines. It all seems to fade together.

The good news is that tonite I made my second pattern. My first was for a bird cage, it works but it can be improved. The second one is for a Burp cloth/Bib.  I wanted to have something that versitale. I have only cut it out us a Fabric Quarter that my girls are obsessed with getting at the stores. So i guess I owe them one.

But i think they will work. I have a bunch of fabric, now just to lay them out on them and see how many I can make. I have the dilema of deciding if I want to use batting between the layers, I am not sure, bc I think maybe it is rather unnecassary. I will see.

SO I have been looking Etsy.com to start selling my goods, but I did find a some craft fairs that are going on in Burbank coming up in Sept and Oct. I wonder if I have to have a business lic. Or can I get a way with using Suze and Kenny's? 

Here are some of my past projects that I have completed.

 

What to do next

As I sit here another nite with my insomnia, I wonder what am i suppose to do with my life. I am lost, and I am on this long road that does not seem to end. My lovely husband still is unable to work, as his pain in his back has not subsided, but has seemed to get worse and even now spread to his neck. W.C. denied the claim now we r fighting that, which it could take 90 days.

I have contacted the mortgage company and basically we will probably lose the house. Great what a failure that I am. I cant even manage to get a job, that will just help out. I have applied and applied with no avail. WTF, this is shit.

I dont want to feel sorry for myself or my family, but at this point i have no way of seeing the light. I keep going over the past, and trying to replay it to see if the outcome will be any different. Then I stop and beat myself up for doing that. What does it accomplish? Nothing at all.

Do I have to make amends with my past to get over this bad luck streak we r having? Do I need to pray to a different god? My parents are helping the best they can, but I feel like I am a burden on them at 31 years old.  My mom told me that if we are both working (Jeff and I) that she will retire. Until then we r holding her up. She did not say it so rudely, but she is tired of going to work downtown, and coming back. She wants to spend time with her husband and see the grdkids more often.

Am i being to hard on myself, I dont know. I have always felt kinda lost. Not really feeling like i fit in anywhere. Was always unsure of myself, not sure if my friends liked me. I still put a mask on around people, to make sure that I am not my sullen self. I would rather stay at home with my husband and kids, then try to be social. I dont have a lot of friends, and the ones i do have I am not in "REAL" contact with, just FB contact.

I sometimes feel like I have may have painted myself in a corner, and have no way to get out. And it is comfortable there. I want to do something with my life, so that my girls have a role model. I sit around trying to think of things.

i want to sew, but my own self doubt gets in the way. I want to set up an etsy shop, and make money to help us live. I want to b successfull, I want, I want, I want. Maybe that is the problem. I want.

Before I end this I want to post a poem that is by

 Robert Frost
 "The Road Not Taken".

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


 I also want to qoute a part in Craig Ferguson's bio.

"That fear might be God's way of saying
 'Pay attention this could be fun"