It's getting hard around here

Things have been said in the last two weeks that can never be taken back or forgotten. I can never forget that my parents believe that i am an idiot for marrying my husband or having children. Oh thanks so basically ur saying I don't like either. Or that everyone in my life hates me and really just talks to me just to be nice. Otherwise I don't have any friends and that my family hates me.

My husband is an asshole who could not provide for his family and that is why we r in this situation. He is ungrateful and it must b the reason his own family doesn't like him. My children are little assholes who r ungratefull and have no respect for anyone. Well maybe it's because when we displine them you come behind them and tell them the opposite.

I have cleaned in this house, we redid the kitchen, painted and other things and have not gotten a thank you but have gotten shit about how we r losers who do nothing but sleep and take and take. They must be confusing me with my sister.

Maybe The Lord send things to you

A few things happened this week that seems that maybe god was try or somebody is try to lead in me. First the lovely but sometimes cranky man I help care for who I have know for almost thirty years is slowly passing away. I though maybe he might like to say some this to his kids and others that he would like me to write down. I mentioned this to his daughter who I talk to at least two to three times a week.
Well last nite while visiting him he said he wanted to write some things down etc and she said that I was willing to help him and like the idea.  Things happen for reason sometime you put things into the universe and they get heard and they get answered.

Now the second thing is something I have wrestled for quite some time. I had a friend she did bad by me. I never really forgave her for it,but she has been seeking it from me the last couple of years. I have tried to find it in my heart. Unable to I have let it just slide to the back of my mind. Yesterday while drive my mother home from the doctors we were talking about her. I said I can forgive the action that she I'd it but the betrayal. And low and behold today she was calling me again asking for lunch. God says we should forgive, and I have heard this over and over recently at church.

So maybe I will have lunch with her, maybe I should follow the cosmic signs. Everything has reaction for every action. Should I look for the signs more often and start following them instead of ignoring them. It's something to ponder.

Holidays have come and are almost over

It's my 33rd birthday today and it was pretty uneventfull. I slept late, went to the mall by myself, and got some clothes, girls came home with a cake and went to dinner with Jeff and Amelia.

While at dinner we talked about the fact that Jeff's dumb ass family has chosen to not hold his dumbass cousin responsible for his actions. I know that is stupid of me to say that considering I did not go through with the charges but why should my life get dragged out in the public for months just to have it thrown out bc it was his first time.

But his family should be telling him he is a danger and he needs help and until he gets that help they do not want him around. But no he is around and we are not, tony and Renee are not. Laura is getting married this New Year's Eve and we are not going so we do not have to interact with  his sister or parents. He has been uninvited.

I am at a loss of what to say or what to do anymore. This has not made us fall apart but made tony and Renee grow apart. They are worried about the family breaking apart but they are the ones doing it.

Did not find a fist my face did not like....

Yeah its not so funny, but what else do I have to do but try and laugh.  I have had a pretty shitty month. With getting punched in the face by my husband lunatic cousin wasn't fun enough. Driving to Florida to look for houses/areas with my dad. Then just trying to go on with life it has not all worked in my favor.

I guess we should start from the beginning.  At a family function of my husbands we all tried to get his lunatic cousin to not drive to his dumb ass g.f.'s house drunk and beat the shit out of her. And in retrospect we should have, I guess if she allows this behavior it must be OK in her book. 

So I walked up to another cousin to state something to the fact that If he would have just told the jackass off four years ago he would never talk to him or his wife that way...but I don't think I finished the sentence as the lunatic punched smack straight in the face. I drop as any girl should when a 300+ pound man hits you in the face. I am sure I lost consciousness but who knows I was out. I remember hearing people screaming then getting up and blood pouring out of my face. I was to worried about my husband killing said lunatic to worry about my lovely new face.

J did get hit by jackass in the right eye and now has flashes of light randomly through out the day. So fun for the man who has bum ankle and bad back. He feels he should just be taken outside back and killed like an old dog.

No breaks in my nose, just a fun chip in my front teeth that make me look hillbilly.  But I have the ever lasting memory that will forever haunt me. I feel like I am Katniss Everdeen in my own personal hell of the hunger games. Going over what happened, trying to replay it with different situations, but it all does not matter it was never in my favor.

We had court the other day and I asked for the case to be dismissed, not wanting to live through the horror anymore than I have to. I was shaking in court sick to my stomach and to find out the asshole never even showed. Makes me regret not pressing charges.

The lesson learned if a douchbag wants to kill himself let him not worth having a lifetime of bad memories.

It.takes a village bullshit....

Well the saying goes it takes a village to raise a family, well this family is tired of.being told:
How I'm doing it wrong
When and how to feed my kids
How to get them ready for bed
How bad they r(the worst they have seen)
That my husband is lazy (has a bad sprain & can't stand)
The electric bill is too high
How I don't clean the 10 or more coffee cups they use. Day.

I can really go on forever but don't feel like it anymore would rather drown myself.in my tub

Is it midway thru summer yet?!?

Wow! Whatelse can I say....these kids r driving me nuts. The other day we had no electricity from 1am -2pm and they were great, no fighting playing nice with each other the minute the electric came back on they started to fight. I wanted to cut the power to the house just to get them to stop fighting.

I have been losing it a little more quickly probably from the:
 "Mom! Mom! Mom!"
"What?!"
"Um, Um I wanted 2 ask u a question?"
"Ok, what is it?"
"I forgot"

Really maybe its the 10x you called me Mom and I answered you on the 2nd time when u forgot what you wanted to ask or maybe u never had a question but just wanted me to stop reading, cooking, doing laundry or whatever chore I was doing at the moment.

The girls fight about anything from who's going to shower first to who gets to sit next to me. I am sure this is the same or similar for everyone else but where is the mute or pause button.  I would  just need like 10 mins to decompress from it all.

It has also been extra nice not having my rents here, since they are on vacation. Its quitier in the house. My father usually has the TV on 50 even when hes not watching it.  And you know when he wants to really watch something the girls start to bother him and then he yells at them.

Then my mom will come home and start complaining about this or that, not in the house 5 min and already has a list of things that I did not do that day for her. Well I cannot magically read her mind and do the things on her list if she does not tell me.

I know this is all too stupid to be complaining I am alive and kicking, considering the horrible incident in Colorodo but sometimes you just need to get things out.

Severe Back Pain Blows

Well I live in this constent state of pain from either my back or my migraines. ITs great to be me.  On Saturday at a Birthday party my back decided to take a crap and I mean crap. I am now walking in a S formation, my upper back and head lean to the right while my lower back and hip shift to the left. Its pretty cool(NOT).

Well I went to bed that nite woke up and the pain was not there so I figure I was good to go. I was sadly mistaken, I was  back in pain that night screaming in agony. I would rather have kids again then have that pain. So Monday we go to the ER. Only to sit for four hours and to be told it is my sciatica. BULLSHIT! In this much pain, that I would go to the ER, where I never want to go bc I am always told some kinda BULLSHIT! Like my migraines are just in my head etc....

So now I am trying to get into see an Ortho doctor and I need a referral, and my PCP wont call me back so I switched to a new doctor and have an appt on July 5th. By that time I will either not have the pain or it will be right back to were it was. I am hoping it will b either just as bad or worse. I was only given pills for 5 days and they are not really working so I have to take them sparingly just to make it thru. 

Why is this my life, I cannot catch a break. As for JB he had his 3 hr appt with the Workers Comp doctor yesterday. Hopefully that gets approved and we get 9 months of back pay. We can pay down some bills and move on with our horrible life. I need to find him a new job. This FED EX crap sucks, well the being a hired freelancer sucks. No benifits, he has to load his truck and not get paid for it and having Sun and Mon off kinda blows, bc the rest of the world works on Mon.

We need to move our crap from Midlo and are getting no help from my rents but hey why would I expect their help I am not the precious child.  but that is another story.