depression and what not.

Well I turned the big 31yrs old on Monday, I was not too depressed, I was more or less just like whatever. I did not want to really do anything just sit around and hang out. Jeff felt like we needed to do something. But the week has turned into a rather icky one.

By Tuesday I was feeling shitty, stuffy noise, and sore throat. By Thursday it was in full swing. I am going out w some friends on Friday for my birthday and then planning on coming home so that I can sleep. New years is not really anything too fun anymore. Not really because we have kids that cannot stay up that late, but because it really does not make any sense anymore. Life just continues, do we really feel like a new beginning is starting not really.

I'm trying to get out of a funk, but it is not working to well. I feel like maybe I have just let all these things get me down. I have to let go and release them, no reason to keep it in. But easier said then done.

X-mas Season

Its about 18 days till X-mas, and I am just hoping that the girls will be so dumb struck on that day. But I am feeling a little restless. I want to get away, and my guilty pleasure is Disney, I so want to go back. Is that soooo bad!

I want to see Disney with all of its X-mas lights up, I want to see the girls go Gaga for everything. I want to stop and enjoy it.

I feel like I do not stop and enjoy things enough.  Our lifes are so busy w kids, homework, groceries, family, driving here to there, etc. I just want to stop the clock and make it move slowly.

Trying to be crafty

So awhile ago I decided that I would try to make everyone lockets w pictures of the girls on it for X-mas. I have just gotten around to it now. My first try was today, it has not dried yet so I am not sure of the results.
Here are some snap shots from what they are.

The pics are not so great but u get the idea. But lets hope my creative juices start flowing because my brain is beginning to shut down

Momentum Lost

As I sit here today with no job, no inspiration, and no hope I wonder when it all started. Was it the day I gave up going back to work for the art gallery, was it the day I sold my soul to the devil called the nursing home or the day I felt like my life was out of control.
When I graduated College I felt like I could do anything. I found a job I enjoyed and was living a great life. Then I found out I was pregnant. Yes I was happy, but afraid of how much it was going to change our lives. I had never seen myself as the mothering type. Never really wanted to have children. So here I am going through this horrible pregnancy, and working, driving 30miles a day. And wishing and hoping that I could still work and raise this baby. After having my daughter, I gave up the job. And every now and then I think that was a big mistake. I could still be living my dream.

Fast forward to working for the devil. And I mean devil, I feel like I sold my soul to the devil for this job. Everyday was horrible. I had to drop my 1 1/2 yr old and 4 m old daughters off at my parents house, and realized that I was going to miss so much.

I had to deal with so many different personalities at HELL, that I began to feel numb. I started closing myself off, but putting up a skin of happiness to the world. I was dying inside. Month by month I felt me slipping away. I was accused of sleeping with one of the residents, having an affair with the maintenance man, having a bad attitude.

I then got used. Hey Nicole is young and dumb lets make her do several jobs, receptionist, adm assistant, scheduler, admissions. All with out the thought of her life. Yes I did but it was because I felt I had to. Then I was told to apply for the job ad co. Man was that a bad idea. I should have taken myself out of it, when the offered it to someone else. You should never take a job that you know when u were not the first choice. You will always have that in your mind. I always felt like an idiot, not knowing what I was doing.

Then I was told I was an idiot and had no idea what i was doing. And that everything I did had to be reviewed by others. What was the point of me being there, u just do the job. Then I had to start working at another building. Oh I started to think maybe I am good at this. I lied to myself. I was not good at the job, I just faked it.

It finally came to the point where I hated my job, husband, and kids. So I made the decision to leave. It felt so uplifting to make the choice. I felt the weight of it all release that day.

You would think that I would be able to get some momentum but no I have stalled. Hit a wall. I am sure if I could go to the Doctor they would diagnose me with depression, post traumatic stress disorder. Because I always feel like i cannot do anything correct now. So I just don't.

And I need to get out of this.

Thing about High School Reunions

Is that they are always disappointing. One because u are hoping to see people that you really liked and they are not their. Second its still the same damn clicks. Really 12 1/2 years later we cant be open to talking to each other like adults.

But then again I did get to talk to people who I do not remember talking to but they remembered me. I fell like it was some better connections with these people then the ones I did remember talking to. Which makes me think about how I was in high school, and it seems my view was not the view of others. So how we view those memories are subjective to each individuals memory.

I dont want a job

I do not want to get a job, that might seem crazy, but I do not have the confidence in myself to do anything. I am miserable and cant seem to get the strength to be interested in getting a new job. I also feel that my husband has been off for a 7yr and half that maybe its is turn.

I feel like I gave so much up for that miserable job that I lost me and became someone I do not like. How do I change that. I dont want to find a new job just for the money and health benifits. I will get stuck in the rut that I am already in. Will this economy ever change. Probably not.

Bad mood, Bad luck, Bad everything

I am trying to figure out how to get back to being me....I lost myself sometime ago, I am not sure when but I did. I think it was before the kids came along or maybe it was after. I feel like I did everything in the correct fashion that I have no clue where it went wrong.

I went to college got a degree, found a job, bought a house, had kids. But it seems that somewhere along the lines it all started to fall apart. I feel like I am going crazy. I had a job, supported my family, had a husband who had a job, kids where healthy and happy. Then husband lost his job, and I felt like I could keep it all together.

My horrible job I had took its toll. I doubted everything I did and said. I hated my life, and my husband and kids. So after another year of dealing with myself by myself I did something, I quit my job. Wow you have no idea why that was such a relieve.I felt 100X better. But now that high has come crashing down.

I try to find the things that make me happy, but nothing is. We went to Disney and I was happy for that short time but I knew my normal pathetic life was waiting for me back in Chicago.

Its not like I expect my life to be like Paris Hilton's or something, I just want a life that is not so hard. I worry about where the next meal or the next mortgage pymt is going to come from. I try to hide this all from my husband. I think I am doing an OK job but then there are days he calls me on my shit.

I don't want to find another job that will make me a zombie to the job, what is wrong with this country that we just are looking for the easiest and quickest way to do things. Is anyone really happy????

New school year new hope...

The school year is upon us I have # 1 & #2 both in school now. Its great knowing that but at the same time terrifying. I have not been one to weep but its seems all my babies are not babies. Mind u that they are 3 & 4. But #2 was just my little baby, she is quite and cute. # 1 is load and cute.

#1 has had no problem transitioning back in school. Which is great because she said she did not want to return bc of two girls she does not like. Well both of them are in another class so she is happy.

#2 this is her first time at school, she has cried everyday. But today was especially crazy. When I went to pick them all I saw was #1, the Teacher's aide for the life of me has no idea who i am. Mind u we have been at this school over a year now and she is not new. Told me that #2 is in the bathroom bc she had an accident.

Well she was in there all by herself. Really! Really! I managed not to get upset, then I could not find her lunch box, or her sweater or her Dollar Baby she brought that morning. I found everything but the damn doll. And guess what she wanted the most the Doll!!!!

I know its the beginning of the school year but this is not something new for them. Can we get some organizations.

Ok I am done for the day.

17 days left till Disney

Holy Crap! I have nothing ready. I have the clothes for the girls together but not washed, I have to find something in this messy house for me to wear, and oh and my husband too. I have to make a flexible plan for the trip. I also have to get a lot of Xanax, dealing with my father will b hard enough.

He has just about lost it. His mind is not there anymore, I hate fucking Cancer. My mothers aunt just passed away from CA and now a childhood friend of my sister's mom just passed from CA. WTF its everywhere.

I really want to start making some connections with my friends. I have lost connection to a lot of them over the years. It seems that as life goes on you loose the things that help make u who u are today. I have great friends, some over 20yrs, and I have been a shitty friend.

Sunburn and randoms

After my first two days at work I decided that it would b time for the family to have some fun. So we headed to the Indiana Dunes. We had a blast, but thankfully i called my Mom about 2 and she said a huge storm is coming in, so around 330 we packed up and left. And it was just in the nick of time. That storm was rough, could not see when u were driving. We also had to stop by a friends house and help get their generator out bc when it storms they lose power and flood. Its amazing because we only live like 8 block apart and we never flood.

I have a bad sunburn but it seems to be getting better. Fathers day was good, had fun with the family at my parents house. I took Mimi to see her first movie today Toy Story 3. We had fun, laughing, crying it was great.

I feel like I am completing more in my life now that I am seeing a different light. I just have some more battles to conquer. But I know I will.

New day new job

I start my first day tomorrow at my new job. Its a part time customer service job 5 min from home. I am really excited. I hope i get everything. I have started to notice that my memory has not been so good lately.

Maybe its my mind telling me to slow down. I go to sleep and think of about a million things. And crap that does not even matter anymore. Sometimes memories from grammer school or h.s. as if i can change anything now.

I am also hoping the everything starts to fall into place. Jeff and his schooling, Amelia and her potty training, etc.

And i do have Disney to look forword to. It will have a sad moment though, my grandmothers sister Claribel, just passed away. It is also my god mothers mother. So its a sad time for the family in Florida. We have never been close but when Cancer take a person it makes it harder. And it seems that everyone I know just about has Cancer. and man does that fucking sux.