this sux

well we have started the move...we have the kids clothes and dresser here. I have cried at every moment. and my father is already driving me insane.

this sux

well we have started the move...we have the kids clothes and dresser here. I have cried at every moment. and my father is already driving me insane.

now I am just crying

and I cannot stop, jeff is on the phone w his cousin. how fucking pathetic am I. I cant keep a job, I cant pay for shit, I cant b happy for others. I might as well droo of a cliff.

upset and mad

im upset and mad bc a really stupid thing. im not jealous but mad at the world. jeffs cousin has gotten every job he has ever had via a friend, he even got two thru jeff. well he gets this job gets a raise, now he and his wife are looking for a house. we cant keep ours, we cant find a job, we cant pay for a thing for xmas. im just feel like why not us why can we not have some good thing happen to us. no it doesnt work that way. we get a broken windshield, need new tires, have to move in w my,parents. im trying to stay positive so to not make this holiday season a gloomy one.

feeling shitty

well thats to say the least. I am having a case of sorries for myself. its pathetic I know but I think its something that everyone goes thru. my life is turning out to b not what I wanted. I wanted to b smart and strong. not be part of the "99%" not that I wanted to b the 1%. I mean bitch and moan. I am finding it very hard to find the motivation to keep fighting for what.
we will b moving in w my rents soon, something I do not want to do,but must to stay alive. 6 people in that house is going to tough, I am asking that they must give up on their lifes and deal w our crap. its not fair to them. I know they r looking forward to seeing the girls everyday but how do u put household together. someone has to give up a memory.
my girls but were brought home to this house, the learned to walk crawk etc here. now I have to give it to the bank so they can let it go to ruins. how does that work. whatever.
I try to stay positive but its getting harder.

Trying to stay positive but

its not workimg anymore. workers comp denied again. I am so devastated. I really dont have words for how I feel.

I kinda just feel like giving up, why bother really, I have no reason for all this fighting, its the big bad gvmt. u cant win a war that only has u as the enemy.

Bullshit that is known as unorganization

Well today Elizabeth and Amelia begged to have grandpa pick them up from school. So we obliged them. One less trip for us today. Well that was a bad idea, or maybe it was not.

Elizabeth got home crying that she had girl scouts today. Well I never recvd a note home, but low and behold it was in her folder. Stating that it was today after school. Well guess what we are not at school. What kinda crap is that.

So I call the Girl Scout leader of the school and she calls me back and says that the notes should have gone home yesterday. and there is only one other girl in KG that is in GS. Well it does not matter bc that girl stays for aftercare, so she will go to the meeting.

Now the problem is my little girl is so upset, she is crying and telling me that I broke a promise to her. And that I am a lie. And that she does not want me near her. This breaks my heart. BC I did promise her G.S. Yes I know she will have a meeting next month, but this was the first meet. Its really not hard to get this shit out maybe three days earlier. What am I talking about, she just got the stuff last Thursday to sell magazines, and the money has to be in by the 24th. Luckily she got two magazines bought from family.

I just feel so bad for her. This is something that we deal with all the time. The school has no organization. Its ppwk on top of ppwrk always grammatically wrong, times and dates wrong. Its enough to make me what to send them to my shitty public schools in Midlothian.

Trying to find the inspiration per say

I am having a hard time finding the inspiration or guts to start and Etsy page. I am so damn afraid, basically bc why would anyone want to buy my items. OR for that fact of the matter how do I price it so that people will BUY it.

I have a couple of wreaths that I have completed and have looked at others on Etsy, and I do not think I am over pricing but what the heck why would anyone want my stuff.

We have been both been working on things together. Jeff is very good at jewelry design. It all started was when he got laid off and had the girls for the summer, so he took them to the craft store and got some beads to make necklaces.

I am working on sewing, I am currently in the process of several projects.
1. Sports quilt  for my cousin in FL
2. Amelia's Rapunzel Costume ( she told me the other day she wants to be a vampire instead. Not going to happen)
3. Retro fit my Snow White costume from 1987 for Elizabeth. And just for the bragging of it. My mom made that costume for me and I won the costume contest that year.

Here are some pics of my wreaths that I have recently completed.

Working long and lifting heavy

Well for a couple weeks I have been helping my SIS company deliver films to the theaters. Let me tell u its not easy. We get up to somewhere near gurnee to p u the films about noon. Have to load them on truck or van depending on amt of films delivered. Then en route to gurnee fox lake Skokie niles glenview norridge galewood 600 n Michigan lawndale cicero oak park lagrange Ford city. We end the nite bout 12 am.
And let me tell u some of the movies r heavy. Especially harry potter I'm glad he's deadish. We also pu movies. The other nite I p u 17 from one theater. Well really 21 bc transformer is a box a canister and super 8 is two canisters.
This week we had to got michiwauka Indiana... For those who have no idea where that is at near notre dame univ.  We for home around 3 am.
I like to work but the girls don't want me to work bc they say I'm not mommy then. It breaks my heart to hear that. It was really the main reason I quit that horrible job, I gave and gave and all I got was shit on. It was not worth it, to have my girls b upset.
That it right now.

Another nite of insomnia

Well as the title implies, I cannot sleep. It happens about once a week, sometimes it is accompanied by migraines other times it is just my worries that lead to migraines. It all seems to fade together.

The good news is that tonite I made my second pattern. My first was for a bird cage, it works but it can be improved. The second one is for a Burp cloth/Bib.  I wanted to have something that versitale. I have only cut it out us a Fabric Quarter that my girls are obsessed with getting at the stores. So i guess I owe them one.

But i think they will work. I have a bunch of fabric, now just to lay them out on them and see how many I can make. I have the dilema of deciding if I want to use batting between the layers, I am not sure, bc I think maybe it is rather unnecassary. I will see.

SO I have been looking Etsy.com to start selling my goods, but I did find a some craft fairs that are going on in Burbank coming up in Sept and Oct. I wonder if I have to have a business lic. Or can I get a way with using Suze and Kenny's? 

Here are some of my past projects that I have completed.

 

What to do next

As I sit here another nite with my insomnia, I wonder what am i suppose to do with my life. I am lost, and I am on this long road that does not seem to end. My lovely husband still is unable to work, as his pain in his back has not subsided, but has seemed to get worse and even now spread to his neck. W.C. denied the claim now we r fighting that, which it could take 90 days.

I have contacted the mortgage company and basically we will probably lose the house. Great what a failure that I am. I cant even manage to get a job, that will just help out. I have applied and applied with no avail. WTF, this is shit.

I dont want to feel sorry for myself or my family, but at this point i have no way of seeing the light. I keep going over the past, and trying to replay it to see if the outcome will be any different. Then I stop and beat myself up for doing that. What does it accomplish? Nothing at all.

Do I have to make amends with my past to get over this bad luck streak we r having? Do I need to pray to a different god? My parents are helping the best they can, but I feel like I am a burden on them at 31 years old.  My mom told me that if we are both working (Jeff and I) that she will retire. Until then we r holding her up. She did not say it so rudely, but she is tired of going to work downtown, and coming back. She wants to spend time with her husband and see the grdkids more often.

Am i being to hard on myself, I dont know. I have always felt kinda lost. Not really feeling like i fit in anywhere. Was always unsure of myself, not sure if my friends liked me. I still put a mask on around people, to make sure that I am not my sullen self. I would rather stay at home with my husband and kids, then try to be social. I dont have a lot of friends, and the ones i do have I am not in "REAL" contact with, just FB contact.

I sometimes feel like I have may have painted myself in a corner, and have no way to get out. And it is comfortable there. I want to do something with my life, so that my girls have a role model. I sit around trying to think of things.

i want to sew, but my own self doubt gets in the way. I want to set up an etsy shop, and make money to help us live. I want to b successfull, I want, I want, I want. Maybe that is the problem. I want.

Before I end this I want to post a poem that is by

 Robert Frost
 "The Road Not Taken".

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


 I also want to qoute a part in Craig Ferguson's bio.

"That fear might be God's way of saying
 'Pay attention this could be fun"

Baby gifts and what else can go wrong....

Well lets start this post in order of incidents:
1 Jeff hurts his back at work
2. Amelia has a high fever and we take her to hospital
3. Jeff cannot work our doctor gave in incapacitated orders
4. Girls graduate from Preschool
5. Elizabeth fractures her ankle at a party
6. We get MRI on Jeffs back - herniated disks
7. Appt with Neurosurgeon in 3 wks
8. Worker Comp is dening claims, so no Pay
9. Neuro surgeon says no surgery buy PT 3x a week for a month,
10 Still no approval from W.C.
11 Jeffs cousin has baby way early at 31wks.

Not sure it could get any crazier that this. But I am unable to find a job, he cant work. Bills are not getting paid. And all in this I have been tryin to be crafty.

I have made a diaper bag, that Jeff now does not like...so what should I do. I still have not finished it because we are in a battle over the handles.

Started on some burp clothes that I got the idea from Holly in which she go it from;
http://homemadebyjill.blogspot.com/2008/01/burp-cloth-tutorial.html

Also some baby fleece blankets.  I will have pic of these as soon as my phone stops Sync after 2 hrs. Really i do not want the pic of CNN logo on my cpu.

Thank you...Spring is....

Well with the preview of spring yesterday, or maybe it was Summer, many of us were outside enjoying life. No not me, I was inside sleeping in pain.

Awhile ago I hurt my neck while i sneezed. Went to the Dr. found out that my neck does not curve the correct way and its one step away from needing surgery. Yeah I ll have the surgery when my kids are 40 and I have the time. So about a week and half the neck pain is gone but here comes my monthly back pain.

I get this severe I mean severe back pain about three weeks before my period. I cant walk standing straight, I cant sleep, shower, bathe, nothing. So now the Dr. tells me it seems that my Sacrum Joint moved to the left and it is causing all this pain. WTF.

I am only 31y.o. how is this possible. I feel like I need to be put in a nursing home, preferably not ManorCare. HAHA.  I just want to be able to function. So here goes to the research of the internet for possible causes etc.

But on the bright side the Dr did tell me that I might be getting the migraines from the curve in my neck, so hopefully that lesses the amount that i get every month from 6-10 to 3-5. Well a girl can hope.

Neck problems

So on Sunday I had sneezed in the morining and it somehow messed up my neck and left side of my arm. I am in so much pain still it is unreal. So on Tuesday I decided to go see a chiropractor, knowing that my physician was going to do nothing for me.

So I get x-rays and what not done. As for the results man are they fun. I am Winning just like Charlie Sheen. Your neck is suppose to curve like a backwards C but mine is just going the other way. I have bone spurs growing on them and they are not moving. Your neck has 7 bones and only one of mine is moving.

My muscles in my neck have been doing all the work. So if they give out I will basically be a bobble head. AWESOME! 

I am just kinda in shock. WTF, I just wanted to go in get adjusted and move on. But no 3x a week for three months to see if it will fix the problem, if not then I may need surgury. Who wants that. And who can have that when u have lil kids. So that is where I am at at the moment.  Just got to think little and deal with the little things,.

Snow Days

Well the Blizzard of 2011 came and went. For all of those who said "Yeah right, we won't get that much snow" Nanna Boo Boo Stick your head in Doo Doo. We sure got it. It was kinda exciting to watch it all happen. I mean I can't remember watch the storm of 1999. I will remember this one because of my two gorgeous potty mouthed kids.

When Amelia woke up on Wed morning and looked out the window she said "Holy Shit, that's a lot of snow, can we go play in it?"  What do u do with that. It's exactly what ur thing, we just laughed and rolled with it.

So we headed outside and played and shoveled and what not. The girls were so happy. Well Elizabeth was not so much bc her snow pants hurt her cha cha. Well she is too big for her 6X snow pants, but I have not been able to find any that fit her.

Now we have school again tomorrow. So i had to make Elizabeth's 100 day of school T-shirt. It is suppose to have 100 things on it . I am not sure I made the cut, but heck it was the best I could do.

Cleaning, Cleaning and Cleaning!!!!

I decided or got a lil motivated by others to clean today. The girls were home sick today and thought that if they were doing something to get their blood moving that maybe just maybe it would help get their fevers to break finally. Well I did most of the cleaning. Not a big deal, but it allowed me to get rid of alot of their toys they no longer play with. But it also brought up all of these memories of them being babies.

I have had a hard time getting rid of their baby toys. I keep certain outfits but either gave their clothes away or donated them w/o heart strings being pulled. But for some reason I have not been able to get rid of their toys.  I think it is because I am worried that we will end up having another kid. I know I don't want another or at least that is what I think. I still have all the car seats, strollers, two cribs, toys, etc. Its taking over everything.

I have tons of stuff in our bedroom that is theirs, and its just sitting there collecting dust. I want a sanctuary in my room, where I can relax and read a book, fall asleep easily, enjoy some time w the hubby. \\\

Getting Crafty!

I have had this urge to be crafty. I am one who wants to be crafty but what I usually want to make never turns out. It all started with my X-mas Wreath, it came out pretty good. Now I have tried my hand at a V-day wreath and I think it came out spectacular.

I have also started making the girls V-day treat bags. I am still in the process of what I like so it is still in the think tank process. But as far as everything is going I think it is turning out pretty good.

Christmas Wreath

Valentine's Day Wreath

V-day Cards for treat bags.

Maybe I can make a lil side business. who know. I just want to figure out what the Circuit thing is. A couple of my friends have it. But it seems so expensive.

my 5 year old kid b day party.

I have 14 days till it is my big girls 5th Birthday. I still remember being pregnant with her and not really believing I was going to be a mom. Now she is turning 5. And let me tell u she is being a lil diva. 

She asked for either a Twilight birthday or a Justin Bieber birthday party. Really u r only 5. Best yet is she wanted me to get a cake to take to school with Jacob with his shirt off. Is she out of her mind.  Yes, yes she is. This is all due to my sister who loves to watch that dumb movie series with her. I personally am a True Blood and she is not allowed to watch that. For good reason. 

We fight all the time she said really vamps sparkle and I saw no they have fangs and suck blood. Yes I know it is stupid to argue with 5 year old. 

As for her b-day party we are not having that until Feb 13 @ Oak Lawn Gymnastic center. The girls r in class there on Mondays. She absolutely loves it.  So it looks like I will be looking for Justin Bieber junk for the party.

Friends and what not...

I was thinking today while laying in bed listening to my husband snore...why oh why have I not killed him yet. J/K! But thinking is bad. Today I went to a water park with a friend from child hood w her kid and mine. We had fun, we did not miss a beat in conversation. Nothing really changed except having a kids and we were not watching Dawson's Creek. LOL!

But I am trying to figure out why I have so few friends. In this world of technology we are so connected to people but not. Take for instance FB. I have 171 friends. Really 171 friends, I don't think so. Yeah admittedly about 20 or so are Farmville friends, but none the less. If I really took stock would I call anyone on that list to hang out? If I did would we have good conversation? Do we have anything in common other than we both went to Maddock or Reavis?

I find it hard enough to want to have a conversation with my often sleeping husband. Is this a problem? Should I not have more friends. This past new year my husband gave me a surprise party and it was my family a whole 9 deep, two from Jeff's (just the right amount) and two friends. My friend invited my other friends and told me they could not make send their condolences,etc. And my response was yeah I did not think they would come so I would never have invited them. One of those friends I went to the water park today.

Have I just forgotten how to be a friend? Was I burned to many times? Should I just make the first step? What does one do?!

And as I think I realize the reason I don't really have a lot of friends or any is bc I have a hard time trusting. I had a friend in grammar school and we were thick as thief's. Well turns out she was a thief. She stole stuff from my family for months. In doing so it forever changed my relationship with my sister and still does to this day. My sister still insists on talking to the family. Mind you that u should not reflect on a whole family what one person does. But I think it is fair and safe to say the whole fucking family are thief's, liars and all together bad folk they do these things to each other. I can't stand she talks to them, what the fuck for.

Is this the root of all my problems? Would I change if I just found a way to forgive a betrayal? Can I forgive?  I have tried, but I can't erase how those things changed my dynamic as a person.

Maybe I am thinking too much into this. Or maybe this is just the first step in the right direction. And really this all comes up bc as I was talking to my mother about a kid I went to school with whose brother passed away, she asked me was I going to go to wake. And I automatically said no. No bc said thief's family would be there, bc the kid I went to school w is dating someone in the family. And also I would not feel it was my place.