What to do next

As I sit here another nite with my insomnia, I wonder what am i suppose to do with my life. I am lost, and I am on this long road that does not seem to end. My lovely husband still is unable to work, as his pain in his back has not subsided, but has seemed to get worse and even now spread to his neck. W.C. denied the claim now we r fighting that, which it could take 90 days.

I have contacted the mortgage company and basically we will probably lose the house. Great what a failure that I am. I cant even manage to get a job, that will just help out. I have applied and applied with no avail. WTF, this is shit.

I dont want to feel sorry for myself or my family, but at this point i have no way of seeing the light. I keep going over the past, and trying to replay it to see if the outcome will be any different. Then I stop and beat myself up for doing that. What does it accomplish? Nothing at all.

Do I have to make amends with my past to get over this bad luck streak we r having? Do I need to pray to a different god? My parents are helping the best they can, but I feel like I am a burden on them at 31 years old.  My mom told me that if we are both working (Jeff and I) that she will retire. Until then we r holding her up. She did not say it so rudely, but she is tired of going to work downtown, and coming back. She wants to spend time with her husband and see the grdkids more often.

Am i being to hard on myself, I dont know. I have always felt kinda lost. Not really feeling like i fit in anywhere. Was always unsure of myself, not sure if my friends liked me. I still put a mask on around people, to make sure that I am not my sullen self. I would rather stay at home with my husband and kids, then try to be social. I dont have a lot of friends, and the ones i do have I am not in "REAL" contact with, just FB contact.

I sometimes feel like I have may have painted myself in a corner, and have no way to get out. And it is comfortable there. I want to do something with my life, so that my girls have a role model. I sit around trying to think of things.

i want to sew, but my own self doubt gets in the way. I want to set up an etsy shop, and make money to help us live. I want to b successfull, I want, I want, I want. Maybe that is the problem. I want.

Before I end this I want to post a poem that is by

 Robert Frost
 "The Road Not Taken".

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


 I also want to qoute a part in Craig Ferguson's bio.

"That fear might be God's way of saying
 'Pay attention this could be fun"